"Dear R.E.S.P.E.C.T.2" does not provide medical, professional or counseling advice. "Dear R.E.S.P.E.C.T.2" provides educational responses and resources. Not all questions/responses will be posted. Responses are updated weekly.
For professional information/advice/therapy or if you are in an emergency situation, please call 911 or 1-800-876-6238.
What are the signs of a controlling person?
Answer:It is necessary and healthy for people to have some control over things in their own lives. However, it is healthiest if the control is over positive things that impact their own personal lives for the better. When people have control over decisions and are able to make successful choices, they are able to feel a sense of competence and worth. Think about the teacher who allows students to choose their own subject for an assignment or their own way of presenting the information about a particular topic. Choosing a topic or process that will demonstrate your success and expertise in a certain way is a positive example of the need, use and benefit that can come from having control.
However, some people take control or become controlling in an abusive way. Their goal is to take control over other people and their choices, rather than the things that are within their own boundaries. Individuals who control you by making you feel bad about or doubt yourself; who control you by making you feel frightened or threatened (emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually); who control you by threatening your relationships with others (friends, family, activities); who control you by trying to make you do things (for example, have sex, do drugs, drink alcohol, be cruel to someone else, do something illegal, unhealthy or something that you know your parents would not want you to do); or who control you by threatening to leave you or harm you in some way, those individuals are using control in an unhealthy and potentially dangerous way. This kind of control is done in a NEGATIVE way and attempts to control the behavior of others rather than oneself. The end results are negative to the other person. For example, a boy who threatens to break up with his girlfriend unless she quits spending time with her girlfriends.
There are lots of ways to determine if the control you are feeling is healthy or not. First of all: How does it feel to you? Listen to your inner voice. Your gut feeling. You know best how you feel. if you are uncomfortable, talk with the person who you think is attempting to control you. How do they respond? Are they sorry? Will they stop doing the behavior in the future? OR do they get angry, threaten you, laugh at you or minimize your thoughts and feelings? Sometimes you can make a choice just based on that information. OR talk to teachers, parents, friends or someone on the hotline 1-800-876-6238. Choose people you trust, people that you think know you.
Remember, you know how you feel - and no one should be allowed to make you feel badly or try to control how you manage yourself, your feelings, your boundaries or your "things." If you feel worried, sad, frightened, hurt, unworthy or uncomfortable, chances are someone is trying to control your feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors. Unfortunately, the controlling seldom stops with one thing and almost always continues in other ways.
What can you say to someone who is abusing you?
Answer:"I want you to stop pushing me into the wall when you are angry. It hurts and I don’t like it."
"I need you to quit making fun of my weight. I am happy with who I am and what I look like."
"I know you think it is just teasing and playing around – but it isn’t that way at all to me. Please stop the put downs and yanking at my arm."
"I get to decide when I am comfortable having sex with you. I make my own important decisions and I hope that you care enough about me to respect my ability to do so. I will always respect yours."
Do people who get abused always end up abusing other people?
Answer:
Absolutely NOT. Abusive behavior IS learned and if you grow up seeing mostly abusive ways of treating others, you are more vulnerable than others to behave in an abusive way. You may also be more likely to allow yourself to be abused because that is all you have ever seen between two people. However, many people who have never been abused behave cruelly to others and some who have been abused make it their life’s work to try to stop and prevent abuse because they know how bad it can be. Anyone can take charge of their own life and can tell themselves that they will stop the progression of abuse in their life. Education and awareness are two key components in helping people see and learn that there ARE other healthier non-abusive ways to treat people and to be treated.
How can guys be abused?
Answer:
Guys can be physically hit and hurt – and killed too, by their dating partners and spouses. Many teenage men tell us about girlfriends who spend a great deal of time controlling what they are "allowed" to do. One young man told us that his girlfriend checked his cell phone on a regular basis to see who was calling him and who he was calling. She also checked his bankbook and his work schedule. She wouldn't "let him" be with certain people or do certain activities without her. It was all about power and control. He was not getting much of an opportunity to be the individual that he wanted to be, or the time needed to figure out what was really important to him in his life. He said "I don't want to be a wimp-but this feels pretty abusive to me."
Can guys be abused too?
Answer:
Yes. Abuse happens to males and females of all ages. There is abuse in elderly populations, as well as child abuse. There is abuse between husbands and wives. In our society, abuse is not limited to any particular category. In the same way, anybody can be an abusive to others.
What do I do if my mom is in a violent relationship?
Answer:Tell your mom that you love her and explain to her why you are worried (i.e., ” George yells at you and calls you names, when he does that it scares me and worries me. You don·t deserve to be called those names and I am afraid that something will happen to you.– ) Tell another adult you trust what is happening. Tell someone that cares about your mom what is happening (an aunt, good friend, minister, etc.) Call the hotline number. It is hard and complicated to understand why a person remains in an abusive relationship. It usually takes awhile to leave. Hang in there for her. Remember to stay safe and not to get into the m iddle of a violent situation. Call 911 if you have to. Many times the individuals, who abuse dating partners or spouses, will al so abuse other people, including children. This means that you and your siblings are also at risk. Talk to an adult that you trust.
How do you get rid of a guy who is abusing you? What if you break up and he keeps calling you or coming after you?
Answer:
Another good question. Safety is a very important factor. The time a person chooses to leave an abusive relationship can be a dangerous time. Sit down and talk with an adult that you trust about your safety. Or, call the YWCA hotline number. Talk to the adult about the following: how best to communicate clearly and firmly to the guy that you do not want to see or talk to him anymore; how best to avoid him and being alone with him; how to adjust your schedule/routine; how best to let friends know how they can be supportive (i.e., making sure you get to your car safely or know who and when to call someone if it looks like there will be trouble or making sure you are not alone in certain hallways where you will likely encounter this person); and, to identify and tell the adults in your life that need this information to help you continue to be safe. Use the YWCA hotline nu mber for safety, information, guidance and privacy: 1 (800) 876-6238.
In both situations above, it is pertinent to remember that stalking behavior can be dangerous and a form of abusive and som etimes illegal behavior as well. It is not a healthy way to show interest and caring. Talk to someone you trust. Find an adult to listen.
When someone gets jealous can that be a good thing or a bad thing?
Answer:
That's a great question. Jealousy is never a good thing, but jealousy is a normal human emotion. Everyone has felt jealous sometime in his or her life. It's important to keep an eye on jealousy and what it leads to. Many people think that jealousy is the same thing as caring. Jealousy and caring are not the same thing. Jealousy that is used to control a person, control their friends, activities and time OR that results in one person feeling badly about themselves, is never caring behavior. Jealousy in that situation is controlling behavior that can become part of an abusive or violent relationship.
When is dating violence bad enough to worry about? He says he’s just teasing…it’s just a game…
Answer:
There is no exact “level” of dating violence or teasing that is “bad.” If it feels bad to you, it IS bad for you. If it feels bad to you, you have the right to ask the person to stop what they are doing. If the person does not stop, you have the right to leave the relationship or ask for help in doing so. Everyone has a right to their own feelings, body and material possessions. No one, for any reason, has a right to violate these boundaries. Even if everyone else thinks the behavior is OK, if it doesn’t feel right for YOU, it isn’t! Trust yourself and your gut reaction and feelings. If the “teasing” or “games” make you uncomfortable, tell the person and ask them to stop. If they do not stop, they are not respecting your boundaries and you need to find some help to get the behaviors to stop and to feel safe!
My friend is really in an abusive relationship. She just won’t listen to me. She says she can handle it and she says it’s none of my business. I’m getting tired of it. What should I do?
Answer:
It’s easy to get frustrated because from your perspective it seems so clear! You are right to be concerned and it’s great that you have cared enough to get involved and tell her what you are seeing and why you are concerned. It’s important to tell our friends (at any age!) that we care about them and to use “I language” as we share what we are worried about. Chances are they are feeling confused because the relationship likely did not start out as an abusive one. Probably they still care about the person, but are unhappy about the abusive behavior. Recognize that it takes time for people to leave abusive relationships and that they need their friends to stand by them and stick it out with them! Being isolated from friends during the abusive relationship and while leaving abusive relationships can be dangerous for the person who is being victimized. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO DECIDE WHEN YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP FOR YOUR FRIEND. Trust your judgment! If you are worried about a friend you can tell an adult and ask them not to share your name with your friend. You can call the hotline number and discuss the situation with the professional advocates at 1-800-876-6238. You can also tell your friend that you realize she might be angry with you, but you care so much that you are going for help anyway – and ask her to come with you! It’s better to make a mistake by asking for help that isn’t needed --- than by not asking for help when a person’s mental or physical health are at stake. It may not seem like you are doing “enough” to make the abuse stop, but caring does count!”
EXAMPLES OF “I -LANGUAGE”
“I have been your friend forever! I care about you!”
“I am worried about how Sean is always putting you down. I think you are awesome. I don’t like to hear you talked about like that. I feel bad when he says those things about you.”
“I am going to talk with the counselor about this. I am feeling bad and I need help with this.”
“I want you to come with me and talk with Mrs. Miller about this. I’ll feel better if I talk this over with someone else.”
“No one deserves to be pushed around or called names or forced to do stuff they don’t want to do. I’m here for you when you need to talk.”
“I think you should look at these questions (from the “Lucy Book”) and information. I think a lot of what she says is like you and Jason. I’m worried. No one deserves to be abused in any way.”